A Treatise on TACOS

It is empirically provable that TACOS is the superior foodstuff. In this essay I will lay out the data-driven case for TACOS’s scientific superiority.

Exhibit A: Melty Cheese

There’s nothing better in life than melty cheese. It has been proven: in a study conducted at my friend’s house, rats were offered a choice between a document containing the true meaning of life and a small amount of melty cheese. The rats chose the melty cheese every time — it doesn’t get more conclusive than that.

In another study, I asked my friends to write a list of the things they were most willing to suffer for. 87% of respondents were willing to suffer intestinal distress if it meant they could eat more cheese.

Exhibit B: Salty Meats

The presence of a savory, salty ingredient adds a distinct advantage for TACOS over lesser foodstuffs. If you’ve ever wondered why just about every restaurant table includes a salt shaker, but they rarely contain a shaker of, like, rosemary, it’s because the human palate has evolved to recognize the best flavors, and the best flavors are salty.

In a study where half of participants were given a salt shaker filled with salt, and the other half of participants were given a salt shaker filled with granulated sugar, 100% of respondents were very upset with me for putting sugar in a salt shaker.

This is evidence that 100% of people prefer salt.

Conclusion: TACOS Is the Best Food

Based on the ironclad scientific evidence above, we can conclude with absolute certainty that TACOS, which is basically melty cheese and salty meats on bread (which is the second-best foodstuff), is the best foodstuff.